Spiritual Gangsta

     I have always been one that struggled with religion. Going through every single thing that I have been through in my life, I could never understand how “a loving god” could do bad things to good people so they can receive a lesson. This logic has never made any sense to me. Luckily my mom was the kind of parent that took me to several different churches and allowed me to explore who I was and what I wanted to become. Looking at all cultures and religions has shown me that it’s a lot of things that I can instill in my day to day life but that doesn’t mean a book is needed to help guide me through life.

     Being spiritual has a different meaning depending on who you ask.It can mean the person doesn’t go to church or believe in organized religion but they believe in god or it could mean they believe in something. Well I fall on the believe in something end of the spectrum. I am not sure there is a god but I believe in something and figuring out what that is is definitely a part of my journey to self discovery. Researching things has always caused me to ask questions and right now I am more interested in learning about how my African ancestors operated before Christianity was forced upon them.

     I can burn sage, pray, meditate, rub on some crystals, and visit a metaphysical store all in the same day that doesn’t define who I am as a person. What defines me is how I treat others. How I will leave this earth knowing that at the end of the day I did good and I was good to people, maybe to a fault but it’s not on me to be held responsible for how people treat me I will leave that to Karma.

Life is strange….

Life is strange, definitely has to be the story of my life. If y’all have been following me then you know I was “separated” from my husband. We were working on building a friendship. We still spoke daily and we vented to each other about everything that was happening in our lives and relationships. Well I am sad to say that he passed away. On April 23 I got a phone call no one was expecting, especially me. It had come time to make a decision and that was to take him off of life support. This was one of the hardest things that I had to do. At the end of the day he was my bestfriend and it’s hard to cut someone out of your life that you spent years with especially when things were going so well with us trying to be friends.

For the last couple of weeks I haven’t figured out how I should feel or if I am even dealing with the death of my husband appropriately. I haven’t even figured out what I should call him. Do I even tell people that I was married and my husband died, because I am only 33 and being a widow at my age sounds so harsh and complicated but that is what I am. I can say my late husband taught me a lot. The last lesson I got from him was that don’t spend your life in a situation that’s not good for you because it will take the life right out of you.

For him, I will live my life and spend every moment that I have in happiness because at the end of the day that’s what we both wanted for each other.

Sexuality, take YOURS back!

     Talking about sexuality has always been taboo for women. If you sleep with too many people you’re a whore, if you haven’t slept with enough you’re inexperienced and no one wants to have to “teach” a person how to have sex. My sexuality is my business but what people need to understand is that everyone’s bodies are different. There is a learning curve to every one that you decide to lay with. You can’t go into the next relationship thinking that you can satisfy every person the same because you can’t.

     It’s a lot of things that are enjoyable to me in the bedroom and I was definitely afraid to admit this to the people that I was intimate with without of fear of being judged. Now that I am discovering who I am; making sure that I am vocal in what I require sexually has been very important to me.  I am also exploring my kinks. I have a lot of them and now I want to act them out. When you’re with one person for so long you lose yourself, especially if you never found yourself. Well I am taking this time to get to know me intimately, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

     I have decided that I am taking charge of my life and I am living life with no regrets. Living a life where I can be happy is truly important and learning what makes me happy in and out of the bedroom is a big part of that. I challenge everyone to talk to the person you’re intimate with and put it on the table. What you like and what you don’t like especially before you get married. Don’t live a life without satisfaction, it’s no fun.

Wait?! I’m growing!

     One day I read a quote and it said, “Don’t pray for patience because god will put you in situations where you have to be patient.” I didn’t know what that meant until last year I decided to participate in “One Little Word” and I picked GROWTH and boy was I put in situations where I had to grow. Being placed in these situations allowed me to discover who I am as a person and as a woman. See when you’re in a relationship you can lose sight of who you are as an individual, what makes it even harder is when you never got the chance to find out who you were before you became a couple. Some people subscribe to the belief that a couple should grow together and for me that means they should be growing as a couple. When you’re in a relationship you should have semblance of who you are as a person and where you want to be in the future.

      My growth was stunted when I was 7. I won’t go into the gritty details at this moment but know that I sought help to come to this conclusion. When I was told this it made things more clear. What happened to me caused me to no longer have the ability to experiment with who I was, what I wanted to be, and how to develop the woman I was destined to be; because at 7 I essentially became a woman. Now for the first time I am actually coming to peace with all of hurt and pain that I have been through. Learning who I am, what I like, what I don’t like, what I want to do, what I don’t want to do, and what my limits are. Pushing my boundaries and stepping outside of my comfort zone are things that I have accomplished regularly and I am not stopping.

Peace?! Y’all don’t want it.

     I am not going to lie….I am NOT a “party girl”. Staying at home with a glass of wine, Netflix, a good book, and food is more my speed. Meme’s of guys posting this is what they want in a woman is beginning to circulate and I begin to laugh because this isn’t what they want. This isn’t a new calmer me because of what I have been through this has always been me. Marching to the beat of my own drum is something that I take pride in, but I have come to realize that guys say this is what they want but what they want is wildness and excitement; fights and drama, things that I am really not going to give them. Peace in the storm is what I pride myself on being but it gets boring, shit I will tell you I am boring in a heartbeat; even my extracurriculars aren’t exciting. Well, at least not in the “every night I have to fight to prove my love way.”

     When ready to decompress from a long day no one wants to come home to drama, at least I don’t and dudes are lying and saying they don’t want to either. Shit, I want a sense of comfort I deal with anxiety and stress on my own, and if that’s what you’re bringing in my direction just leave me alone. I am not saying that I won’t listen to you rant, rave, yell, or get angry because that’s fine but that’s as far as it should go. Relaxation is important to me. Peace is easy for me to achieve because I am not dealing with any more bullshit. Before you come at me wanting a girl that’s going to be your peace be sure that you’re ready for that life and that’s for both men and women. I am my own peace and you have to either add to that in my life or be gone. We can’t depend on anyone to be our peace because that comes from within just like happiness but we can rid our lives of those that cause and create chaos.

Say What?!

     I have been on a journey of self since April of 2017. I went from being a wife to being single. Here’s a little history. I met my wasband in 2005. I was a young 21 years old and he was 24. He was nervous, didn’t even want to approach me but by the end of the night he gave me his number, I called and that was all she wrote. Fast Forward, 12 years later after our 10 year anniversary, he left. His exact words were I need some space. I decided I was going to fight because there were plenty of times that I needed space from him but I fought for what our marriage meant to me.

     He came home one day and admitted that he had an affair. It started off emotional and then led to a sexual one and I  was still willing to fight. That woman couldn’t beat me and the 12 years I put in. She didn’t know him the way I knew him. Well after 3 months of him going back and forth and me being cast away as the side bitch. I left. I walked away because eventually I woke up and knew that I deserved more than what I was being given. I owed myself more than what I am allowing to take place. This led me on the journey that I am on now. I have come to some hard realizations. Last year I chose a word for myself and the word was growth. 2017 definitely put me in situations where I had to grow.

     I am definitely ready to continue on the journey that has been placed in front of me and as I explore more of myself and who I am as a woman I am hoping that you will follow me on this lovely journey of awakening and discovery.